Tag: Helps

If you were in class yesterday, you undoubtedly had the same thought I did around 10 p.m. last night …

Holy crap, how did Zach end Nightcaps class earlier today? 

Yep, me too. Like this, for those wondering:

“I hope we don’t get to (add to the list), but, unfortunately, I’m sure we will. “

Obviously, that was in reference to adding to our ongoing aviation list – something I started last year because I hate flying and staunchly believe we need to Make Road Trips Great Again. Five hours later, as I was scrolling Twitter during Hulu commercials, I saw what was unfolding in Washington. 

Sickening. I know I’ve long joked about how much I despise flying, but this one really hit home. Makes me so sad. What happened last night was the stuff I literally have nightmares about. Seriously. Multiple times a year. I can’t even fathom being on that plane. Or that helicopter. Or – perhaps worse yet – knowing someone on either. 

Today isn’t the day for answers, because we won’t get any. Not sure when we will. I don’t wanna play that game today.

Before we start class and get to the jokes and the girls and the nonsense (much-needed today, by the way), I just wanna say the official Nightcaps position on the DC plane tragedy is that it is beyond sad, and stuff like that should not happen in this country. 

Not here. Not America. It makes me sick, and angry, and, frankly, a bit uninspired to pump out #content today. 

But, we need the #content, so let’s do what we do best and pump it out like the Patriots we are. Let’s roll. 

Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we confirm Tulsi Gabbard with Danica Patrick and go from there. 

What else? I’ve got Kristin Cavallari on a beach – which is always fun – RFK Jr. ripping some nicotine whilst getting his ass chewed out by looney Liz Warren, and Kay Adams just added another weapon to her arsenal that has the internet on high alert. 

If anyone can lift spirits today, it’s Queen Kay. Like the bat signal, she responded like the superhero she is. Legend. 

Pour you a drink – and then pour it out for everyone involved in last night’s tragedy – refill it, and then settle in for a Thursday ‘Cap:

RFK is one of us!

You know what we all need on a day like today? Enough nicotine to slaughter a horse stuffed in our bottom lip. Hell, that’s me, every day. 

I’m a Rogue guy. I know Zyns are the hot thing, but those are garbage. Sorry, but they are. The MSM wants to tell you they’re good. They’re not good. 

Rogues are the top of the food chain when it comes to nicotine pouches. Not even close. And don’t you even bother coming at me with any “Velo” talk. That won’t be tolerated here. Not in this class. Not as long as I run it. 

Anyway, when I throw in my first Wintergreen pouch of the day at 7 a.m., and then wash it down with some black Maxwell House, I feel like I could take on the world. Now, I have to immediately shit – but after that, I’m ready to smash some skulls. 

So when I saw RFK Jr. throw one in yesterday as insufferable Elizabeth Warren was shouting at him for 10 minutes straight, it was maybe the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen:

Let’s stay on the Hill for a bit

We’ve all been there, fellas. The missus is PISSED that you asked to go play 18 with the boys when you have a messy-ass house and unruly kids, and she starts to let you HAVE IT. Or, worse yet, she gives you the quick “sure, do whatever you want” response with no eye-contact. Frankly, I’d rather the yelling. 

When that happens, you have to just sit there and take it, much like Bobby did here with Fauxcahontas (a student told me yesterday that’s Warren’s true nickname, so I’m giving it a spin). 

You can’t get a word in edge-wise because she’s so irate. You don’t want to make things worse by saying something stupid, so you just have to ride out the storm and hope the sun peaks through on the other side. 

The good news is, you have a tin of delicious nicotine in your back pocket, and it’s all you can think about. You need it like you need air to breathe. It’s the only way you’re getting through this. 

That’s what happened to RFK here. And he even nailed the discretionary part, which ain’t easy to do. Seasoned vet. Respect. 

MAHA!

OK, let’s check in with Danica and Tulsi, who are both taking on the establishment as we speak. Get ’em, girls!

Kristin, Kay & Jimmy, oh my!

I’ll be honest, I have little to no clue about Tulsi Gabbard. Frankly, the only time I ever even heard her name was years ago when my old neighbor – who spent most of his nights passed out on his lawn – had a Gabbard sticker on the back of his car. Seriously, that’s it. 

But, if Danica and Nancy are #TeamTulsi, I certainly am, too. Is that the best way to form a political opinion? Probably not. But it’s the life I’ve decided to lead. 

Now let’s get Tulsi and Ka$h confirmed so we can get this country back on track! 

Rapid-fire time on the way out. First up? Look who’s ready for summer:

Been a while since Kristin came to class. Welcome back! Don’t be such a stranger next time. Last time we heard from Kristin, she was talking about how great Morgan Wallen was in the sack. What a pistol. 

Can’t wait to see what’s next. 

Now, let’s check in with Kay Adams, who rocked the internet with a pair of glasses this morning that, frankly, I didn’t see coming:

Kay adding glasses to her arsenal is the equivalent of the Dodgers adding Roki Sasaki to their rotation. Did they need him? Nope. They were the best team in baseball before, and they still are now. 

But did they get better? Absolutely. Dominant effort here from Kay. It’s why she’s a Nightcaps vet. She spent the offseason working on a 12-6 curveball to go along with her triple-digit heat, and now the rest of the league is cooked. It’s over. Glasses Kay is here, and she ain’t going anywhere. 

Power move. 

Finally, I know you’ve all been jonesing to watch Morning Joe and Jimmy Kimmel shoot the shit together, so here you go. 

You are welcome!

You simply do not hate them enough. It’s not possible. All the late night wackos are bad at this point, but Jimmy is so beyond insufferable it’s almost impressive. 

Almost. 

OK, that’s it for today. Tough one, but we got through it. Here’s some more Kristin to take us home. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You on board with glasses Kay? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.