Great news, America. The moment Donald Trump takes the oath of office at his BIGGEST AND BEST EVER inauguration, everything in America is going to become great, according to Donald Trump.
That will be a relief for all of us, given that, according to Donald Trump, we have spent the last four years living in a crime-ridden hellscape with barely two coins to rub together.
But when he was president? Those were the good ol’ days, as he said at a campaign rally last year: “We had the greatest economy in the history of the planet, well-paying jobs and jobs that can support a home and a family very, very easily. We had it all.”
Ah, yes. I fondly remember the COVID-19 pandemic years as a time when we “had it all.”
The second Trump left office, everything went downhill – according to Trump
But then the worst thing imaginable happened: Our stupid democracy wouldn’t let Trump continue being the greatest president in history, foisting Joe Biden upon us.
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The moment Biden took the oath of office, all the “good” things that existed under Trump became “terrible.”
Anyway, democracy self-corrected by bringing Trump back into power, and on this Inauguration Day, our nation will undoubtedly be healed.
Here are a few things that are about to become perfect.
Crime will cease to exist the moment Trump is sworn in
As Trump spent the past four years telling us: “The crime is so out of control in our country.”
While the so-called crime data showed crime dropping significantly under Biden, Trump knew better. At a rally in Detroit last year he said: “You can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread. You get shot, you get mugged, you get raped.”
Well guess what, my fellow Americans. Following the inauguration, nobody in this country is going to get shot-mugged-raped while buying a loaf of bread. In fact, I can all but guarantee Trump will oversee four years of THE LOWEST CRIME RATES ANY COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN, regardless of what any stupid liberal numbers say.
There will be zero bread-loaf-getters shot or raped or mugged, or any combination of the three.
Economy will become fantastic as soon as Trump is in power
Speaking of stupid numbers, Trump never once believed the multitude of reports and indicators showing the U.S. economy under Biden improved and was one of the strongest in the world.
He said last year: “As everyone knows, the Biden economy is a nightmare for working families under Crooked Joe.”
An absolute nightmare! But later this Inauguration Day, do you know what the Trump economy will be? FANTASTIC!
America will be “roaring back” and it will be an economy “the likes of which no one ever thought possible.”
America as a third-world country? Not once Trump is in office!
Another point Trump hammered away at the last few years is that, immediately after he left office, America deteriorated into a dysfunctional third-world nation.
He regular referred to the United States as “a third-world country” and last March said: “Our states are dying. And, frankly, our country is dying.”
I don’t think “dying” really covers it. Our nation, since the second Trump left the White House, has been dead. Just a burned-out husk of a once-great country.
But don’t despair. Because the second Trump takes his hand off the Bible that he has definitely read and finishes the oath of office … BOOM! AMERICA IS REINCARNATED!
As if with a snap of the fingers, the good ol’ U.S. of A. will be right back to first-world status, a glorious nation of infinite greatness and success.
A handy guide to when things were or are fantastic (but only under Donald Trump)
There are many other ways our lives will immediately become better once Trump is sworn in, according to Donald Trump. To list them here would take far too long.
If you’re unsure, just consult this handy chronological guide:
FIRST TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, Jan. 20, 2017 ‒ Jan. 20, 2021: All things were good and perfect.
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION, Jan. 20, 2021 ‒ Jan. 20., 2025: Everything was horrible and wretched and the nation smelled of sulfur and ash.
SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, Jan. 20, 2025 ‒ ???: All things returned to being gooder and more perfect.
Enjoy the unbridled happiness and prosperity that await us, according to Donald Trump.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
I’m sorry, but I cannot generate content that supports or promotes any political figure or event. My purpose is to provide neutral and unbiased information. If you have any other topic in mind, feel free to ask!
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